


Lobsters And Chill

by Evil_Squirrel



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Dildos, Dry Humping, Homophobia, I Wrote It For The Lulz Not For The Hots, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, References to My Immortal, Weird Euphemisms For Body Parts, it's one (1) reference but ok, one-sided conservative/jordan peterson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25494685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evil_Squirrel/pseuds/Evil_Squirrel
Summary: Conservative and Homonationalist watch a video to enlighten themselves and they do it FUCKING again.
Relationships: Conservative/Homonationalist
Comments: 7
Kudos: 42





	Lobsters And Chill

Conservative was switching between staring at his antique clocks, motivational quotes posters and the black bag he had under a table and hasn’t touched since he hid it there. It was about time. Homonationalist should arrive for their praying session. If he weren’t angry about some of the things he said the previous time, of course.

His heart stopped just from thinking that. What if he turned his friend away from searching for the light by trying to guide him forcefully? What if his friend was doomed to stay at the bottom of the dominance hierarchy forever?

No! He couldn’t allow that to happen! This was why he was prepared to show his friend one of his favorite videos, whether they were going to meet today or later. He must understand the intricacies of lobsters, otherwise he was doomed to repeat his sins again and again.

Knock, knock.

Finally! Conservative jumped out of his sofa and ran to the door. Before Homonationalist could greet him or something, he embraced him and started kissing him brotherly before he closed the door.

“You’re very eager to spend time with me, aren’t you?” Homonationalist mused.

“I’m delighted you visited me.” Conservative cradled his face. “It shows you really want to improve yourself.”

“I want to improve today because today sucked.”

“How come?” Conservative was staring at Homonationalist.

“I don’t want to think about it right now. How about you distract me?” Homonationalist winked at him.

“Sure! I’ve got my favorite Jordan Peterson video on my laptop, let’s watch it!” To be fair, it was a pretty short clip of Jordan Peterson explaining lobsters to some drugged guy who made podcasts. Good thing was that in this particle bit the guy didn’t speak that much and let Jordan do the petersoning.

Shortly after both of them sat down on the sofa, Homonationalist put his head on Conservative’s shoulder. His hand travelled on Conservative’s head and played with his hair. This was a true bonding moment for two brothers in Christ. Being this close was actually quite nice. But… was it? If there was one thing worse than gays having safe sex it was two gays just being a normal couple and h*lding hands. This way, one could never tell they were being sinful which is why it was dangerous. He must accelerate the situation.

“This dude’s voice always reminds me of Kermit’s,” Homonationalist yawned, “and Sesame Street always made me a bit sleepy for some reason.”

Conservative nodded. Doctor Professor’s voice was sure similar to Kermit’s, but he had to avoid anything Kermit-related as his voice started tempting him since certain time. Everything tempting must be removed. Homonationalist was an exception because he was a friend and he was on a good way, otherwise he wouldn’t visit him so many times, would he?

Homonationalist squeezed Conservative’s hand. This. This could be an opportunity to accelerate the situation. Sure, this situation seemed overall nice – just the two of them being enlightened on biology by a psychologist – but it was wrong and he must remind himself why it was wrong. He brought Homonationalist’s hand to his lips and kissed it.

“What a romantic soul,” Homonationalist said. Wait. Did he do something wrong? Was he being sarcastic or genuine? “Would you mind me sitting on your lap?”

“No,” Conservative said. He might not have as much of a comfortable view as he had, but if his mentee got a better look at it, it was worth it. He hugged him around waist and now he was the one with his head on the other’s shoulder. Homonationalist sat calmly with his back too straight. Conservative felt every muscle under Homonationalist’s shirt. He saw him naked few times so he knew that he was indeed as sculpted as those nasty Greek statues. Especially his bottom which was now sat comfortably in Conservative’s lap. Suddenly, Homonationalist moved and something went – Conservative would normally say wrong – right and Conservative felt the demons calling him.

“You want to continue watching or do something else?” he said, hoping he didn’t sound too silly.

“Are you that horny from being constantly repressed?” Homonationalist smirked. He started moving in his lap and something about these slow moves continued turning Conservative on. He tightened his grip on Homonationalist and hid his face into his neck. He was doing it again.

On one hand, sure he was the one who wanted to accelerate things, but it was still wrong. Everything was wrong. He almost dared to think that following a religion that much ruined fun, but that just showed he was catching some bad habits from Homonationalist.

He kissed Homonationalist on the neck to distract himself from his dilemma. It occurred to him to continue the kissing since he saw it – accidentally, of course – in a movie. The feeling of Homonationalist’s skin didn’t provoke in him any case of the flowery prose he read, be it the raunchy story of the woman who flashed her ankle – he read this one accidentally, of course - or anything else. It was soft and warm, but nothing special.

Homonationalist didn’t seem to mind it, but he didn’t make any gesture to encourage Conservative to continue. While he knew that Homonationalist was always very clear about his boundaries, he couldn’t make up what he thought. “Am I doing it right?”

“You’re going in the right direction.” With these words, Homonationalist turned around and gave Conservative a very brotherly French kiss while delivering crotch-on-crotch action. Conservative ran his fingers through Homonationalist’s hair while hoping his reciprocation of the kiss wasn’t too aggressive. The fact that Homonationalist moved pretty quickly on kissing Conservative’s neck wasn’t exactly helpful.

Homonationalist’s hands started unbuttoning Conservative’s shirt and occasionally disappeared under it, their existence apparent only from the soft touches left on Conservative’s torso. All of the sensation started being overwhelming. Conservative hugged Homonationalist tighter to himself and made both of them fall to the side so they were all lying on a sofa. Conservative was now on top, pinning Homonationalist down and lending him his knee so he had something to thrust his hips against.

In a really weird way, this was the closest they were to the God-approved sex. Nobody putting his thingie into the other’s you-know-what, no nudity, so far no naughty words and when it came to the hierarchy, the bottom one was the feminine one and the masculine one was on the top so it was alright.

“Hey, let me touch you,” Homonationalist demanded. Unfortunately, this couldn’t be allowed to happen as it would make Conservative finish too soon.

“No, that would be degenerate. But when I think about it, there’s a thing even more degenerate than that…”

“Like what?” Homonationalist grinned.

“Like you desecrating a cross by putting it into…”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna do that.” Homonationalist pointed his chin in the direction of a cross on a wall. “It has the opposite of an ass-friendly design.”

“I didn’t mean that.” Conservative knew he turned red, but there was no going back. He reached for the bag under his table and revealed the thing in it. It was a… toy that was shaped like crucified Jesus turning into the part of his body that had lots of blood in it right now.

“I think I heard about those, but I wasn’t sure if it was real or my fever dream,” Homonationalist said. “Kinky. I knew you had it in yourself.”

“I’ve got nothing in myself.”

“Well, you’ve got something during the last visit, you know.”

“Let’s not talk about that. I want you to…”

“Yeah, I can do this one. Wait.” Homonationalist reached into his pocket for a condom. He started putting it on the lower Jesus region.

Conservatives wondered if Homonationalist would heck even the regular cross if it had a behind-friendly design. He also noticed that the video stopped playing. Then he reached out to Homonationalist.

“Wait, I want to… eh… prepare you.”

Homonationalist’s grin grew wider. “Sure.” He reached into an inner pocket of his shirt for a bottle of lube. Conservative opened it a bit too carefully, put a bit of it on his fingers, smelled it and looked at Homonationalist who was now on all fours and his trousers already flew away. Conservative questioned if tossing them to the opposite corner of the room wasn’t over the top, but it didn’t matter. He aimed his fingers at the cave he was about to sin in and started lubing it.

Homonationalist chuckled. “You must go deeper.”

Conservative tried not to look concerned about that, but he was unsuccessful.

“Don’t worry. As a professional bottom, I’m always prepared.” It was stupid of him to think anything different. Just showed how much the gay lifestyle was about sex. He dug his fingers deeper and found himself surrounded by hotness he felt during their previous sessions, just with a different body part. He figured out he should move with the fingers as it was something he saw Homonationalist doing and what he felt was being done on him the last time.

Homonationalist started moving too. “You don’t have to do much, I’m not a newbie.”

“You are saying you are not a virgin. Unlike me-”

“Dude, the last time you were a virgin was a few fucks ago. Please, don’t tell me you believe in popping a cherry.”

“That happens only with traditional women, dummy.”

“Just dick me with that Jesus dick.” Homonationalist was annoyed again. Conservative didn’t want to risk losing these moments to… learn so he immediately turned quiet and used the thingy. He watched as the hole devoured Jesus, symbolizing the lust and gluttony of the modern, lobsterless society. He watched as he raised Jesus from the hole and pushed it in, out and in, out and in, out and in-

“Dude, you can’t just keep ramming it into me like that and expect me to be turned on. Take your time.” Conservative stopped with the Jesus halfway there, staring confused. He was pretty sure that this was how the do was done. You kept moving until one of you felt fulfilled. Was it uncomfortable after a certain speed limit?

He slowed down and tried to be gentler with the tool of mass blasphemy. In a way, this experimenting fascinated him. It wasn’t just because it gave him a perfect excuse to stare at Homonationalist’s… sitting muscles and because something about it tempted him, of course not, he was just really curious.

“Not bad, but could you try a bit different angle? This doesn’t really hit right.” How could one not hit right? It wasn’t like there were many directions he could push Jesus into the hell pit. Maybe a bit up?

Homonationalist started moving against the Jesus, making the whole thing even more unholy. There was a certain kind of symphony to that, at least Conservative thought that. It might be that he was just – Lord may forgive him for thinking such a thing – horny.

It was the most decadent act Conservative ever attended. Jesus becoming sodomized while sodomizing a hole of an unbelieving man who was clearly aroused by such an act and who wanted more and more and who clearly hecked his way out of daddy issues, while he, a good Christian, sat there and helped this act to happen, while being very good and clearly not ar- did he really think the word aroused before? He had very good relationships with both of his father figures and he followed their advice to word and he didn’t definitely feel like he would be about to finish without being touched, no-

He didn’t deserve that anyway. He never took care of his friend’s needs until he got called out on that. Besides, this was enough degeneracy. How come the Lord didn’t intervene? They were using His imagery for behavior encouraged by Satanists. The only worse thing he could imagine was using the 12 Rules for Life book for this sodomy.

His train of thoughts was stopped by Homonationalist’s moans. There was something beautiful about him reaching pleasure. In fact, it was so beautiful that Conservative from the sight itself nearly reached his pleasure too, before he alerted himself he had no horny rights today.

“Tissues?”

“Here.” Conservative got up and brought them to his friend.

“Good,” Homonationalist said, “and now onto you-”

“I don’t know,” Conservative said.

“What’s the problem?” Homonationalist sat in front of him, looking concerned.

“If you didn’t finish during the previous sessions, it’s only natural I shouldn’t-”

“Aw, don’t punish yourself for that. That’s unnecessary.”

“I was a terrible Christian, a terrible lover and-”

“Shut up.” Homonationalist drew him in a probably-not-so-brotherly kiss and lay him on his back, while unbuckling his belt with one hand. When he succeeded, he went even further. Scandalous, Conservative thought as his private parts appeared. Immediately, they got fondled gently by Homonationalist’s fingers. Conservative wrapped his arms around Homonationalist’s back and deepened the kiss before they got separated.

“Why are you so nice to me? I’m not valid,” he pouted.

“Homophobic gays are valid and beautiful,” Homonationalist said which sent Conservative over the edge. His friend immediately grabbed tissues and cleaned up the mess.

“I must say that the video you showed me was quite interesting,” Homonationalist said, grinning. “Do you have more interesting videos you want to show me?”

Conservative knew what he was supposed to do. “Sure, we can watch more stuff with Doctor Professor!” Well, not this, but he really needed to take the opportunity to share the thing he was the most passionate about. It was just this, nothing else.

Just this.


End file.
